WHY BEING ASK “HOW ARE YOU?” IS SO PAINFUL?

WHY BEING ASK “HOW ARE YOU?” IS SO PAINFUL?

I don’t think anybody should know how I am feeling, because I am not proud of what I am feeling at these moments of times. After days you passed on, the sadness still on me. In the worst days when I am feeling really low, by 6.00 am I cried twice and by 11.00 am I cried 4 times in total. In a good day, I am only cried once. Anything that remind me of you makes me end up in tears, when I passed, the coffee shop we used to go to, or seeing the snack you like in the supermarket. That is what I am feeling, is just by any changes you want to ask, how am I.

When someone ask me “how are you? On the 40 days after you left, I answer “I am fine” knowing that the person who ask just being polite and doesn’t know that I am grieving. A few moments after I answer, the tears start coming and my heart tell me “why you said you’re fine, you are not fine, this is not fine.” Since then, I avoid answering back to the question “How are you?”

I learn a lot about sadness since you left. I understand we cannot control what other people say, so I carefully studied, how to overcome the sadness and turn out that apparently you don’t, you just grow and live with the grief by love yourself more. I don’t want to be sad and cried, even sometimes while I cry, I tell myself “could you hurry up, we need to get ready soon” and off course it doesn’t help. I realize that I cannot rush these, my heart is my compass, if I need to cry, I need to allow myself and honour my feeling. For me grieving is the time for you to be closer to God, to focus on yourself and experiencing life through respecting your feeling and learn to let go expectation, grief has no time limit.

I decided, when someone ask me how I am feeling, I will answer…

“I am feeling Awesome!” and I will say to my self …I am feeling awesome because I experiences something beautiful, that makes good bye is so hard

Jakarta,

1 October 2023

104 days without you.